Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Truths About Elegant Women

Ingredients for this My Time: Innuendo, listing, a Puglian red.

Honey, you know it's true. A lady on the verge of summer, and experiencing the hours of lights down there, likes a few choice things:

1. Ladies like innuendo. Give them some. Then deliver.

2. They also like gifts that express YOUR FEELINGS. But, they don't like it when you present such gifts then try to be like "cool, whatever, I have a penis, doh-duh-doh" about them.

3. Halter dresses with boob support, botch.

4. A summer of spankings!

5. Ladies like when you order food for the table with the word "stuffed" in it. Ladies do not like you not knowing they do not like to point these food items out and/or order them themselves.

6. A lady always starts a meal with a cocktail before she can bare to look at the dinner menu. AND SNACKS.

7. Ladies like foreign travel, and foreign intrigue.

8. Ladies do not like your ironic pants.

9. An elegant lady always has a strand of real pearls, and can wear a "pearl necklace."

10. No, don't do that. Whatever you're thinking of doing for some "effect" you've identified, just stop.

11. No, seriously. Stop.

12. Drinking before 5 pm is the new black.

13. An educated swarthy man always orders the lady an moderately priced bottle of champers ($100-$60) to not be a show off and to also presume that a lady has had fine things, but might come from less fine things, OKAY?

14. We want to join your stupid band and harmonize up the yin yang.

15. A man told me once "You think differently from anyone I've met, and I love it." Let's examine how this is the right move. 1. He didn't say the typical, "wow, I think you might be smarter than me..." and he didn't compare me to other women, but other people. Re-examine number 9.

16. We want to have sex, like anyone else. But an elegant woman has no problem packing it in at the dinner table. So plan to have an hour ahead of time where you get it on. We'll thank you for it later, before we pass out after a bottle of reasonably priced champers and creme brulee.

17. I once had 3 creme brulees in one week. An elegant woman will present this fact to you without comment.

18. We've seen men, once they get comfortable, jump up and down to show how their items down there can flop up and down. So you don't need to show us again.

19. An elegant woman loses her shit. This is a sign that she has a ferocious heart. It's terrifying. It's crazy. It's hard. It's not fun. It's arousing. It's a woman who can speak her needs. It's right.

20. An elegant lady celebrates the anniversaries of the men she has lost. An elegant woman embraces ritual and magic and love and loss. 

he was Will Oldham before Will Oldham, and DUH, so much more
The best you can do is proceed, willingly and gracefully. Grace is something the elegant woman still might be learning.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It's been so long...

Honey, it has been awhile. I have no excuse. I mean, I'm just sitting here with my sippy cup of sangria under my Hotel Collection down comforter, wearing a t-shirt with an anchor on it, watching tasteful pornography, and eating DIET CHIPS.
mmm, pink
The truth is, Honey, I'm busy. It's hard being a cold bitch, teaching old men how to wipe their own asses, cashing alimony checks, and meeting new men to go on dates with that make a wistful woman think, what if this one has learned how to wipe that. That in addition to eating queso, leaving for my Beverly Hills condo in 2 weeks (for 3 months! What will the country Missouri do without my money in its pockets?), and writing two full length books about 1. my time with Mick and the Boys:
twice as fuckable with Brian
and 2. my childhood as a rich rouge daughter:
Once the summer starts, I'll be writing tons more to you. You, Honey, after all, are what keep me from attempting to kill myself one more sweet time, to my own sweet degree. How could I off myself with so much money to spend?

Champers on me!