You Know It's Been Awhile When...

Inspired by Joey Lawrence joining CHIPPENDALE'S, and can we PLEASE mention how smug he is acting in interviews about it? Dude, you're the "whoa" guy. That's your claim to fame. Deal with it.
Me on the other hand, Honey, I'm fam-us for my games. Emotional, sexual, card and dice, I'm always game. Ha ha see what I did? I used a word as a noun and as an adjective-like thing. That's an adjective, right? Or. Wait. That's another noun, a state of being. Ha ha who am I kidding? I HAVE NO state of being. I'm all adjectives without a noun to associate the characteristics with. Let's play a game.

First, let's prepare for the game. After days of not eating due to an illness caught in Mexico NO IT'S NOT HEP C I've been, as ladies like to say with their calories, "catching up." I have DIET cheese and crackers in front of me, a lazy too-rasiany tasting Italian red in my glass, and a stupid food show on the television that I am inhaling because it's like celery--negative calorie intake. Can you imagine that? Celery is like negative calories. It is truly God and God's other at the same time.

Now, here's a fun game. It's called Shame. I'll start.

You Know It's Been Awhile When...

you put on mascara before going to get a massage.

you have more than one kind of bubble bath in your bathing area.

a man as gay as a unicorn with a rainbow mane and a black leather studded saddle grabbing your breasts made you feel funny

you call your cat "my lover, my baby"

YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT BEING IN YOUR 30S WITH NO MONEY, NO PROSPECTS, SUPPORT BRAS, AND BACK ACHES

you are making a list about your lack


NOSE HAIR!!!!

you spread out on your bed and sigh every night

you hold your Mr. Knife tight under the pillow

you hold a selenite orb in your left hand and act as conduit

you are more magickal because of the last time you weren't in lack

you are watching television without worrying if YOUR SMART LOVER IS JUDGING YOU because, well, you don't have one

you found a line on your face that you think looks cool

you don't care as much what you look like anymore

you worry about dying, sure, but you aren't worried about forcing it

eh, you're fine, so have another drink, because NO ONE IS JUDGING YOUR LACK OF MODERATION, and deal with this, you fucking freak who's having a good time with your games