Sunday, January 22, 2012

My Time: Rules for the Heart, or "getting your tube top back ON THE INSIDE"

Ingredients for this My Time:

Selenite sword under a pillow. A true lady never knows when she'll need to combat the dreams that plague her modern existence of high heels, online dating where one unsuccessfully tries to weed out the night janitors, full moons (I've read in recent novels that there are 2 moons coming; of course these novels are written by men who don't have cycles, unless they're sensitive men who like to claim they too have cycles just to take one more thing away from us), and the past. A lady always has a past and selenite has a magical gift to suck from the heart the pasts that plague. I prefer my selenite under alternative organic down, because I'm classy. I prefer it in a wand or sword shape so that my magical totem may also be a weapon of violence if someone breaks into my house in the middle of the night. I keep other items around my pillows that double as magic/violence such as my friend Mr. Knife (men generally don't like to meet him, and isn't it just like them to want to be the ONLY man in a lady's room at once) and a selenite orb whom I haven't named yet. I hold it in my left hand when I sleep, THE MARRIAGE FINGER HAND, but it also seems like a nice hard thing to throw in someone's eye who breaks in my home to steal my wine. I'm sure there's a metaphor about an object of the marriage hand being good for assault, but the metaphor seems lost on me for the literal sense it makes for such an item to be both things. So here's our sword, ladies:

An alternative down comforter, preferably by Hotel Collection

A bag of organic LOWER CALORIE Cheeto-like product and chopsticks to eat with, as to avoid getting your delicate lady's hands dirty

A red wine spritzer in a spill-proof cup

A cell phone with which to call people between 2-7 am when you naturally consider that you're never having sex again and feel anxious about which one of your married couple friends will allow you to live with your cat(s) in a yurt in their backyard as you age into cronedom

And finally, a knowledge that time is not linear, that something you had years ago is something you have now, even though it came before digital cameras so you can't show anyone what you mean, so when people talk about the importance of the change of perception during the invention of film, they can't know that you are only thinking about the change of the 21st century with memorial pictures you keep in a box as they grow mold and no one knows that these memories of yours are put in one physical location, the artifacts of being always already lost to that physical landscape tucked away. With chopsticks in hand, sippy cup propped between your breasts, and Law And Order reruns on your computer, you put your tube top on ON THE INSIDE and cheers to the morning light coming up which you've seen all over the world, by yourself, safe by yourself, because you can and will continue to wear your soul's tube top, ladies. My Time is about knowing that your time is yours, that is, that your life is yours, and what a simple thing we often forget that can be brought back by eating and drinking in bed AGAIN as the light comes up and our tops come down. There are two opportunities for perception here, ladies. And we can have them both (although one looks kind of painful...certainly more painful than any heartbreak could be...yikes).


  1. You are hysterical.

    I know one way to "weed" out those pesky night janitors:

    Through their stomachs!!!!!!!

  2. Indeed, they need to be weeded out somehow. Excellent approach, friend.